


Jack and the Sea Monkeys

by McParrot



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, M/M, Other, sealife in butt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:41:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21800347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/McParrot/pseuds/McParrot
Summary: Alrighty. This is all Xtricks fault. Completely. If you haven’t yet read Xtricks hilarious and necessary diatribe Butt Confidential race off and do so immediately.And come on – you can’t tell me that no one else was thinking of something like this.So here it is: McParrot’s Cracky Cinema of Torchwood brings you…. Ta da da da…
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Jack and the Sea Monkeys

**Author's Note:**

> McParrot is uploading all of her fan fic to AO3  
> These works have not been updated or re-edited  
> This work originally posted on LJ 29 July 2010
> 
> X Tricks Butt Confidential Part 1 https://xtricks.livejournal.com/138304.html#cutid1  
> And Part 2 (which spawned this) https://xtricks.livejournal.com/138885.html#cutid1
> 
> These really should be primer for all those writing anal sex who haven't actually tried it themselves.

The aliens were contained, Gwen had said, and they were on their way back. Ianto was still trying to figure out what the funny hitch in her voice had meant as she said it. 

He looked up as the door rolled open. Gwen looked at him with a strangled smirk and Ianto’s eyes were drawn to Jack. ‘Gwen,’ he said slowly. ‘Why is Jack walking funny?’  
‘Erm…’  
Jack minced into the hub, moaned and traced his hips in a voluptuous circle.   
‘Jaack?’  
‘Ohh,’ Jack breathed, his face was flushed, his eyes blown. Ianto knew his Jack and Jack was currently highly aroused and not far away from an orgasm.  
‘Someone want to tell me what is going on?’ Ianto said.  
Gwen was nearly dissolving. ‘The aliens,’ she giggled. ‘Sort of prawn like things.’ Jack backed into the table holding alien bits and pieces. His hands gripped it, knuckles white. ‘Mmmmm… ahhhh God!’  
‘Prawn like things,’ Ianto prompted, his eyes locked on Jack.  
‘Yeah, ah,’ her eyes were swivelling from Jack to Ianto and back to Jack as if she couldn’t stop herself from watching him. ‘He’s already had one orgasm in the car. Oh god, does he always make that face?’  
‘He does. Yeah.’  
‘Sort of ooogly.’  
‘Ooogly. Exactly,’ Ianto agreed. ‘Now these prawns?’  
‘Oh yeah. Well they come from somewhere with a sea under a lot of pressure. And they were just entering a sort of…’  
‘Mating imperative,’ Jack gasped out.  
‘That’s right. Mating imperative and they needed to the right kind of conditions to do… er… whatever it is that they need to do to mate.’  
‘Ohhhhh ahhhhh AHHHHHGHH,’ Jack’s head was thrown back, his hips jerking.  
‘Yep.’ Gwen was blushing. ‘So Jack offered to host them.’  
‘Host them?’ Ianto said dumbly.  
‘Er yeah. Apparently it’s only for a few hours and once the mating has happened they’ll be fine in our atmosphere again.’  
‘Really.’  
‘Apparently the human rectum provides a more than adequate dark high pressure container.’  
‘OHHHH OHHHH OHHHH OHHHHhhhhhhh.’  
‘So,’ Gwen continued, her face flushed, ‘Jack dropped his pants, squatted over the puddle they were in and you should have heard the noise he made when they, um, climbed on board. Really pornographic that was.’  
‘Oh yeaahhh.’ Jack agreed.  
‘And this isn’t?’ but Ianto said it quietly and Jack’s cries were drowning out all other sounds in the hub. He was only seconds from orgasm. It was like watching a train wreck, desperately uncomfortable but incredibly compelling. ESPECIALLY with Gwen here. Jack was aroused therefore Ianto was aroused. Thankfully however Gwen wasn’t looking at him.  
‘OhfuckIantofuckthat’sgood. ARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!’ Jack arched backwards over the table, eyes clenched shut. A blossoming wet spot just to the left of the top of his zipper showed that he’d finally got release.   
After a long frozen moment Jack fell back onto the table top, Ianto heard Gwen gasp and remembered to breathe himself. ‘So let’s see if I’ve got this straight,’ he asked no one in particular, ‘Jack has got prawns up his butt?’ He couldn’t help that his voice sounded shrill. ‘You have sea life in your arse?’  
Jack lay on the detritus on the table twitching. ‘Wriggly little buggers,’ he gasped. ‘Like a living vibrator. I think,’ he moaned and circled his hips, ‘oh, I think they might actually be getting on to the…’ his hips flexed up and down… ‘Oh here we go again…’ He suddenly lifted his head and looked squarely at them, his pupils impossibly blown. ‘I think they’re just getting down to the actual mating act…. Owwww ahhh.’ He took a great gasping breath and spat out, ‘Gwen can you just go home.’ He let out another pornographic moan. ‘Now.’  
Jack’s cock was twitching in his pants and Ianto couldn’t take his eyes off it. His own was doing the same. ‘Best go,’ he said to Gwen in a commendably level voice. ‘I’ll look after him.’ She stayed rooted to the spot, panting and flushed, mouth open. ‘Gwen!’ Ianto shouted. She jumped. ‘Go home.’  
‘Right,’ she breathed. ‘Okay. Right. Yes.’ She finally dragged her eyes away from Jack’s writhing body. ‘Okay.’ She hitched her bag over her shoulder and nearly ran for the door. ‘Call me if you need me though. Yeah?’  
‘Yeah,’ Ianto agreed, already undoing Jack’s belt. As soon as the door was closed he was shoving his own pants down his legs and clambering onto the table on top of Jack. He shoved a sub-nuclear particle accelerator out from under Jack’s bum and an Orcadian karaoke machine out from under his back so that he was lying flat on the table. He rubbed their cocks together. They both moaned.   
‘What do you want Jack?’ He ran a gentling hand down Jack’s cheek shushing him. He was so desperate, so out of it, the sensation in his arse so overwhelming. Ianto opened the blue shirt, slipping his hands inside Jack’s tee shirt, giving him another sensation, another focus. ‘Shhh Jack. It’s all right. Shhhh.’ He kissed him tenderly, swallowing his panting breaths. ‘What do you want Jack? What should I do?’  
‘Ride me,’ Jack gasped, his eyes nearly black with lust. ‘Ride my cock.’  
‘Will that hurt the prawns?’  
‘They’re deep inside.’ Ianto freed Jack’s sticky cock, already taut and hot again. ‘They need pressure.’  
‘Okay.’ And Ianto couldn’t wait. He scrabbled up and straddled him, stopping barely long enough to swab a gob of Gwen’s hand cream around his arse before lowering himself onto Jack’s gorgeous cock.  
‘Oh fuck Ianto. Fuck.’   
It was one of the wildest rides of Ianto’s life. Jack thrashed underneath him, panting and jerking and pulsing with life. Jack came and stilled a little then writhed and thrashed and thrust and came again, a brief touch to Ianto’s cock pulling him over with him.   
When Ianto came back to himself Jack was lying under him, nearly comatose, except he was twitching, every now again, a little shudder running through him. Ianto managed to fall off the table and get himself to his feet. He didn’t bother dressing, there was no one here to see. He’d decide what to do about the CCTV footage later. He staggered to the bathroom and cleaned himself up, coming back with a washcloth for Jack. Jack was still where he’d left him, a goofy grin frozen on his face and his belly twitching now and again. His cock wasn’t completely limp even after all that.  
‘Are you all right?’ Ianto asked with some trepidation, because who knew the after effects of sex with alien vibrator sea life in your arse.  
Jack’s eyes took a while to focus on him. ‘I think they’ve done what they set out to do. Most of the moving seems to have stopped.’  
‘What happens now?’ Ianto asked as he sponged Jack’s belly.  
‘I just have to wait until they’re ready to come back out again.’ He twitched and giggled. ‘Tickles.’  
‘How long?’  
‘Don’t know. Might be another hour.’  
‘Would you be more comfortable waiting on your bed?’  
Jack nodded. ‘Yeah. Please.’  
Ianto helped him up. His legs could barely hold him. They nearly fell down the ladder but avoided serious injury. Jack sprawled face down on his bed, his buttock muscles giving the occasional contraction. Jack was nearly purring. ‘Feels nice. Sort of softly moving now.’  
Ianto put his hand on Jack’s arse, soothing the jumpy muscles. ‘Sort of like a vibrator on low?’  
‘Sort of. Real nice. Squishy.’ He was humping the bedclothes very slowly, lazily. Ianto wasn’t sure he knew he was doing it.  
‘How do they come out?’  
Jack snorted, ‘The way you’d expect.’  
‘How do you know when they’re ready?’  
‘I’ll know.’  
‘Do we have to do anything?’  
Jack thought about it. ‘We’ll need a basin. With about two inches of water in it. They’re aquatic, they need to swim.’  
‘Okay.’ Ianto went to find one. He liked to be prepared. The thought of alien prawns fighting their way out of Jack’s arse was off putting to start with. The thought of alien prawns dying in an atmosphere that didn’t suit them was also unpleasant. ‘What do we do once they’re out?’  
‘We let them loose in the sewers. It won’t be ideal, the pressure isn’t nearly strong enough, but they’ll be able to survive.’ Jack was circling his hips, pressing himself into the bed.  
‘How are you feeling?’  
‘Getting uncomfortable,’ Jack grunted. ‘Pressure’s building.’ He gave a strangled laugh. ‘I’m pretty sure mating was successful. I can feel stuff happening in there.’  
The thought of prawns mating in Jack’s butt was giving Ianto’s tummy the squibbles. ‘What, they’re laying eggs or something?’  
‘No. I think these things have live births. Ohhh.’ He flinched. ‘Owww.’ He jerked up onto his hands and knees ‘Gahh. Ow.’ He was panting, hand pressing into his belly, eyes wide. ‘Fuck, cramps. Oh. This is it. Help me up. Hurry.’  
Ianto did as he was told, hauling Jack off the bed and helping him squat over the basin. Then with the sound effects from a scatological nightmare Jack grunted and pushed and a stream of tiny sea creatures flushed out of his arse. ‘Jesus Jack,’ Ianto was aghast, staring at the wiggly things in the basin. ‘You’re shitting sea monkeys.’  
‘Juveniles,’ Jack grunted. He gave a groan, held his breath and hands tightening uncomfortably on Ianto’s gave a push. ‘Gaaaaggghhg!’ An eight inch long blue prawn thing splashed into the bowl. ‘GAaaaagggghhg!’ Jack did it again. Another long blue alien excited Jack’s anus. Ianto swore it waved. How had there been room for those in there?  
Jack gasped, falling back on the floor, eyes closed, butt hole twitching. Ianto stared at the strange blue family swimming in the bowl. He felt faint. Sea monkeys. They were fucking sea monkeys. Sea monkeys like in the pictures that came on the packets, cartoony creatures with little crowns on their heads, not the wiggly little shrimp thingies that they actually grew into if you were lucky.  
‘Jack. You had sea monkeys up your arse.’ Jack just moaned. The adults waved at him, they really did.  
Hmmm. He looked at Jack lying thoroughly fucked and completely debauched on the floor. ‘Jack. When they young ones grow up and need to mate…’ Jack’s eyes slid open. ‘You will tell them to come back and find us won’t you?’


End file.
